Team Rocket: Failure to Launch
by TeamRocketBoi
Summary: The Team Rocket trio are a gang of incompetent, two-bit criminals with checkered pasts and little hope for a future. This fic imagines what their lives might be like in a less kid-friendly world.


**Chapter 1: Motel Blues**

Jessie could practically taste the stains the cheap red wine had left on her teeth. She rolled over in the motel room bed to reach for her pokedex expecting to find it on the nightstand. Instead she found it on the floor next to the turned over but empty wine bottle. She checked the time.

2:39 p.m.

"Fuck," she whimpered, before realizing what she might have been doing with the Pokedex nine hours before. She fumbled through the menu to make sure she hadn't sent any drunk messages. She had, and to the exact person she swore she wouldn't contact for at least a few more month.

She repeated the same word again. This time louder and drawn out into six or seven syllables. The fact that all she had sent was, "Hi :)" didn't ease the embarrassment. She wasn't sure if it was better or worse that it went unanswered.

She wished she could be one of those people who could just turn back over in bed and sleep the rest of the day off. No day that started this way could be any good. If she could just delay existing again until tomorrow she could wake up early, go for a jog, steal a few pokemon and get her nails done all before lunch. All continuing this day could lead is the possibility to start the next one in exactly the same way.

At least the sudden jingle of keys in the lock of her room at a ratty Celadon city motel called the Ninetails Inn distracted her. She knew it would be James. He was the kind of guy who suddenly forgot how to unlock a door every time he approached one, and the jingle had gone on for 90 seconds know. At least making fun of him always cheered her up.

"I'd ask where you ended up last night, but I think I already know," Jessie said as James entered clutching a collection of shopping bags.

"I told you he boys of Celadon City love me," replied James.

"I don't think you can call them boys anymore when they're in their fifties," said Jessie.

"You're right. This one was nothing less than a full grown man, if you catch my drift," said James.

"I shouldn't be the one worried about catching anything," said Jessie as she eyed the store names on James' bag. A small paper bag carried the logo of a pricey deli she had read about on the Kanto Eater blog. A larger shopping bag came from the fancy Celadon Department store.

"And where exactly did you get the money for all that?" she asked.

"He told me it was for me and left some cash on the dresser," said James. "I mean it's only customary to pay for cab fare after, and when you're as rich as he is I assume you lose track of how much a banana costs, let alone a taxi ride. I mean, you should have seen his apartment. Penthouse. Art everywhere, and he had the world's most tasteful..."

"So, you're hooking now?" said Jessie, cutting James off.

"No," James said. "He's just a very generous man, and we have a very strong bond. I'm sure I'll see him again, and I'll offer to take the bus back to prove that our love is real, ok."

"Did you get his number?"

"Well, no..."

"Honey, face it, that's not a down payment on the engagement ring," said Jessie. "That's prostitution. Not that I have much room to judge, but I'm just pointing it out for future reference."

"Would a common rentboy buy his friend a gift?" asked James.

"Is it whatever left in that deli bag?" asked a starving Jessie.

"Oh that? You can have it. I'm watching my figure you know, but it's got meat on it and I can hardly keep track of whether or not you're going through a sausage phase."

Jessie rolled her eyes.

"But the real gift is much better," said James as he ruffled past the pairs of designer underwear he'd bought at the department store to find the treasure at the bottom.

"You'll never guess how I found this shit" said James as he held a baggie stuffed full of purple tinged marijuana. "Some girl at the club last night was like seriously hitting on me, and I figured any straight chick chasing a twink in a sequined tank top had to be fucked up on some crazy shit, so I asked her for her dealer's number."

"Thank god," said Jessie. "I'm sick of that skag Meowth always brings us."

"So get this, I go by this guys apartment this morning. He's stoned as fuck with not one but two Snorlaxes who I'm pretty sure are just as stoned as he is. Like so stoned he was watching Real Housewives of Saffron City, and I don't think he was even gay. He was just that high."

"Well its good you're not fucking dudes for drugs now either," interjected Jessie.

"Do you know how strong this shit must be if it fucks up a Snorlax?" said James, choosing to ignore Jessie's remark. "By the way, the Nurse Jenny they added to the cast this season is, like, giving me so much life right now. Did you hear what she said to Carrielon last week? I mean..."

"I don't care, just roll a joint with that shit. I'm hungover," whined Jessie.

"I was thinking we'd save it for later," said James.

"We both know that its going to take me five minutes to convince you to do it now, and by that time it technically will be later. So just do it now and pretend its later," said Jessie.

"Whatever, you can have some now, but I'll wait," said James while searching in his pockets for papers. "By the way, where is Meowth?"

"I don't know," said Jessie. "Probably got up early to carry out his important day of licking himself."

Suddenly the bathroom door swung over catching both off guard.

"That's right," said Meowth as he stood on the other side.

James quickly placed the pot baggie in his back pocket. Jessie, now sitting upwards, rolled the wine bottle beneath the bed with her foot.

"Are you two mice or men?" asked Meowth.

"Well, I've got the parts and Jessie has the attitude," said James. "So there's at least one man between us."

"So men?" said Meowth.

"Yes, we're the men. Don't forget who the humans are in this group," said Jessie.

"Well at least mice are smart enough to know when the cat is actually away before they start to play," said Meowth said as he walked over to James.

"I want half of what's in that bag," said Meowth.

"The sandwich? Oh, its real good. Organic bread with this tangy honey mustard," said James.

"The other bag," said Meoweth.

"Ugh, you know a gay man is entitled to replenish his designer underwear wardrobe at least once a season, and they wouldn't even fit you," said James.

"I won't even give you another guess as to which bag I'm referring to," said Meowth as he reached around James' back and grabbed the pot from his pocket.

"What did I tell you two? I'll take care of the party supplies," continued Meowth.

"You always get scag, and do you really think you should be the one to handle the drugs, all things considered?" said Jessie.

"In case you didn't notice, we're running on empty here. A kid could steal a Jigglypuff from his 4-year-old sister and be considered more valuable members of Team Rocket at this point. You two haven't caught or stolen a Pokemon in months, and maybe we could afford something better when you do, and as long as I control the finances in this group I control all purchases."

"Hey, I caught a Pidgey on Wednesday," said James.

"No, James. A Pidgey with an apparent stomach virus shit on your head, and in a fit of rage you caught it without a fight in its stomach virusy, green-goo-shitting state. That bird isn't worth the Pokeball you keep it in," said Meowth. "Are you even sure its still alive in there?"

"Now, I'm going to take my half and overlook this just this once because at least someone is bringing in some money through illegal activity," he continued while eying James.

"Hey," protested James.

"And I'm going to get down to business," said Meowth.

"You're going to sell it?" asked Jessie. "We're sex workers and drug dealers now. What am I, back in 8th grade?"

"Yeah, just pretend I'm going to mix it up with Oddish leaves and sell it to dumb, rich kid freshmen down at the college, OK," Meowth said as he walked out the front door. "Now, I'd tell you two to accomplish something today, but I'm pretty sure the results would actually be worse than if you sat around here stoned and talked about boys, so I'll let you be."

He slammed the door behind him.

"Fuck, I forgot he went to sleep in the bathroom last night because I wouldn't stop listening to Tori Amos on my Pokedex speakers," said Jessie.

"God, he's no fun anymore after he got sober," said James.

"Yeah, well, at least we won't have to rush him to the Pokemon center anymore at 3 a.m., and those nightshift Clefairys really have no idea how to deal with an OD," said Jessie.


End file.
